Well, here I am kicking myself for not writing sooner because I have a whole tirade of stuff to bore you with! But I’ll probably break it down into separate posts.
So the weekend before last, I went to visit my ex inlaws (I kind of want to call them my outlaws, that sounds more fun!) for the first time since P and I split up for good, which was around 14/15 months ago now. It was before any of us knew about his affair and we still thought that he was just having a quarter life crisis of something. We had still stayed in touch after the break up, despite my ex husband displaying his clear dislike for the continued relationship with my outlaws. But the feeling was very much mutual. Why would I break off the relationship with them if they wanted to stay in touch and were upset by their own son and brother’s actions? In fact it was them who invited me to see them. I kind of thought that the connection we had would tail off, but I guess I was wrong. They don’t live too far away from me, a couple of hours drive is all. So after my meditation class, I got in the car and started my journey. I was fine, singing along to music and carrying on the peaceful feeling leftover from my meditation class. Then as I got closer, my belly started to do flips. When I could see their house from the road, I felt so sick that I thought I was going to have to pull over and wretch. I felt ridiculous for feeling this way and I don’t believe it was nerves about seeing them, I just feel like there are so many memories of us wrapped around their house and where he grew up. Memories of much happier and carefree times and of when I felt like I would never have to search for someone again because I have found my soulmate. I pulled up to their house and parked my car where I always used to park when he and I visited. I got out and walked to the front door, closing the front gate after me before ringing the doorbell and waiting for someone to answer whilst my stomach continued to flip upside down. I knew who would answer the door before they even got there. My ex mother in law. She opened the door and was elated to see me. She grabbed me, pulled me in close and gave me a big squeeze. When she squeezed me, she must’ve squeezed some water out of me somewhere because I just cried and returned the squeeze. Then my ex father in law appeared with a warm smile on his face. He was always such a lovely gentle giant of a man. He scooped me up with his big arms and gave me a squish.
“Lovely to see you again.” They both said. My eyes continued to leak.
I walked through into the kitchen and my two ex sister in laws walked through and greeted me with sweet smiles and tender hugs. It was clear that they had all missed me. How could such lovely people have created the monster that was my ex husband? Then my nephew came down the stairs (I don’t like to call him my ex nephew, it sounds odd). Almost 18 years old. I have known this boy since he was 11 and he has grown up dramatically both physically and mentally. He gave me a big hug and I felt his teenage beard fluff scratch across my cheek and I laughed through my tears!
We didn’t speak about him. Even when his brother came to visit with my other two nephews, his name went unmentioned. There was no sign of him in the house either, and I don’t believe it was for my benefit. Where there used to be a little shrine of photos of him, there only remained one photo and it hid right at the back behind two of his sister’s wedding photos. The photos of him that used to be on the walls were gone.
We had a wonderful evening, laughing and chatting away. They enjoyed the wine and chocolates that I had brought them and I equally enjoyed (if not more) the delicious lasagna that my ex mother in law had made. Just how she always used to! She even made mince pies (in January!) especially for me because I didn’t see them at Christmas and she knows how much I love her mince pies! If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is. I went home with his sister that evening and stayed at her place. We stayed up past midnight putting the world to rights, having a bit of a gossip and a catch up. It was perfect.
The next morning, we got up and then headed back to the outlaws for a cooked breakfast. Before I went home, we went to see my ex sister in laws’ new house that she and her husband are hoping to move into in the next few months. She said with hope that the next time I visit will be for their housewarming party once they’re settled in their new home. Well, that made me feel good. Another invite! What would P say, I wonder. And M, his new love interest and the woman he cheated on me for. But you know what? Who gives a shit what either of them think.
Some people think it’s weird that I still have ties with the outlaws. They think that I can’t possibly move forward while I still have contact with them. But how is it fair to cut them off? They didn’t ask for the shit storm that their son and brother rained over all of us. They were just as surprised, angry, hurt and disappointed as I was. They didn’t raise him like this. They are really good people with warm hearts. It’s not like I will ever bump into him when I spend time with them as he lives on the other side of the world now. The best way for him to escape his demons and the hell that he created. And personally, I feel that it’s testimony to me and how I behaved following his affair that they want to stay in touch. And I’m actually quite proud of that.
With love, Darling Soul x