Last night, I came to fully realise something that I’ve actually known deep down for quite a long time. I am depressed. After spending two and a half hours on the phone to a friend last night (I had a bad day), I have booked an appointment with my doctor on Monday and I’m fairly certain that I will be diagnosed with depression. I’ve spent so long battling my own mind since the end of my marriage in 2015, that I seem to have misread the signs and placed a form of normality on them. Isn’t it amazing how one person’s actions and behaviour can leave you a total fuck up? That strong desire I have when driving to want to total my car into a tree, or imagine who would take care of my cats if I was no longer here, is not what is considered normal or healthy. Every time I start to struggle, I say to myself,
“You’re just having a bad day/week/month. It’s alright.”
I know that I should’ve spoken to someone long ago about what I’ve been experiencing for the past nearly 2 years, but I constantly made excuses or put it off. Until yesterday for some reason.
Finally, thanks to my friend for helping me to understand, I get it. I used to be so bubbly and charismatic. Now I have used all of that energy at work holding up the mask so my colleagues don’t see, all I want to do at the end of the day is go home and be alone. I get invited out to socialise and all I do is make polite excuses that I have errands to run or people to see. My house runs through stages of being crazy neat to crazy untidy because when depression really hits, I want to do nothing but procrastinate and then beat myself up for procrastinating. Those are currently my favourite past times. Anxiety comes in the form of clenching my jaw tight, pulling out my own hair and biting my nails. All because I’m trying to put the depression monster in a box but he’s fighting to get out, and it’s exhausting.
My friend said that because everything happened so quickly and crazily, my brain has struggled to compose itself after the storm. I have not had a moment’s peace…until now. And that “peace” is deafening. I need to fix this. I’m so grateful to have friends that care and understand. This has been a hard post to write, but it’s all part of my healing process. Hopefully I will have some positive news on Monday from the doctor, which will help me to move onward and upwards.
With love, Darling Soul x