Pandora’s Box.

Last night, I came to fully realise something that I’ve actually known deep down for quite a long time.  I am depressed.  After spending two and a half hours on the phone to a friend last night (I had a bad day), I have booked an appointment with my doctor on Monday and I’m fairly certain that I will be diagnosed with depression.  I’ve spent so long battling my own mind since the end of my marriage in 2015, that I seem to have misread the signs and placed a form of normality on them.  Isn’t it amazing how one person’s actions and behaviour can leave you a total fuck up?  That strong desire I have when driving to want to total my car into a tree, or imagine who would take care of my cats if I was no longer here, is not what is considered normal or healthy.  Every time I start to struggle, I say to myself,

“You’re just having a bad day/week/month.  It’s alright.”

I know that I should’ve spoken to someone long ago about what I’ve been experiencing for the past nearly 2 years, but I constantly made excuses or put it off.  Until yesterday for some reason.

Finally, thanks to my friend for helping me to understand, I get it.  I used to be so bubbly and charismatic.  Now I have used all of that energy at work holding up the mask so my colleagues don’t see, all I want to do at the end of the day is go home and be alone.  I get invited out to socialise and all I do is make polite excuses that I have errands to run or people to see.  My house runs through stages of being crazy neat to crazy untidy because when depression really hits, I want to do nothing but procrastinate and then beat myself up for procrastinating.  Those are currently my favourite past times.  Anxiety comes in the form of clenching my jaw tight, pulling out my own hair and biting my nails.  All because I’m trying to put the depression monster in a box but he’s fighting to get out, and it’s exhausting.

My friend said that because everything happened so quickly and crazily, my brain has struggled to compose itself after the storm.  I have not had a moment’s peace…until now.  And that “peace” is deafening.  I need to fix this.  I’m so grateful to have friends that care and understand.  This has been a hard post to write, but it’s all part of my healing process.  Hopefully I will have some positive news on Monday from the doctor, which will help me to move onward and upwards.

With love, Darling Soul x

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Pandora’s Box.

  1. Listen-you took the first positive step by acknowledging it and seeking help, and you’ve done so well to be so strong, even though yoh might not feel it. You don’t have to carry on alone now, there is support and help available x

    Liked by 1 person

      • It does drain you and (don’t want to sound a nag) and this is where it is really important to eat well and healthy…you binge on chocolate, rewarding at the time but guilt making later..oranges if you can, a naturally uplifting colour…xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re absolutely right though. I lost 2.5 stone during my breakup to my ex husband because I just wasn’t eating. Some people eat when they’re unhappy, I just don’t really. Or I just make poor food choices. Thankfully I do enjoy cooking, even though it’s only for me. This evening I made a Spanish rice dish with a chock load of veggies, prawns and sausage in it. I will get some clementines when I go shopping this weekend 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ooh that sounds really nice! I’m pleased that you enjoy cooking..lol…at my lowest point all I could manage was boiling a few vegetables and eating them with mayonnaise!! But cooking in itself is therapeutic-there’s some lovely food blogs on here 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • If you have any favourite food blogs, please push them in my direction 🙂 I didn’t really cook when he and I initially broke up. I lost my lust for life…and food! But I do enjoy cooking. Especially when I have people to cook for. I remember the low feeling I had when I wasn’t eating right back then when all of the weight just dropped off. Oddly, I remember my ex husband placing his hands around my neck (it sounds frightening now I recall it, but it wasn’t. It was just weird) and he had tears in his eyes saying I had lost too much weight. I think he was using his hands as a measuring tool. Very strange but it’s an image that sticks with me somehow. I felt like I was invincible and that the weight would stay off…but it’s slowly started to creep back on. I do need to stay on top of the good eating during these low points, so thank you for the gentle reminder x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Will do-I shall have to check the names and as my son is vegetarian I’m always on the lookout for good recipes..Dolly at KoolKosherKitchen is lovely 🙂 for starters. ..um..Belinda at MagneticallyAesthetic…yep I’ll have to go and look..I tend to remember names rather than blog names! Just look after yourself…be kind to yourself too 🙂 xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Samantha! I’ll be sure to check those out. I’m a self confessed omnomnomnivore, but I do enjoy vegetarian food as well. And I do try to reduce my meat eating footprint where I can do I eat less meat where possible. Have a good weekend x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. hi, new reader of your blog. i know what you mean, as I lost my husband a month ago. Meals are meaningless nowadays and I struggle to pick myself up. I’m at a phase of feeling numb and I find it hard to differentiate between being too sad to feel anything or if I am truly moving on. All the best to you.. God bless. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Lena, thank you for reading and thanks also for your comment 🙂 I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now. Having read your blog, you and I are more similar than you may think. The feeling of numbness will eventually fade away, at some point. For me, there was only probably 6 weeks between finding out about my ex husband’s affair to me moving out of the marital home to where I still live now in a rental. I think with all of that going on, the numbness disappeared fairly quickly as I had to concentrate on the move etc. Now that everything has finally stopped and I’m in a place of calm, I miss the chaos in a way. At least it was a distraction to what’s going on inside of my head. My saving grace has been my support network and I’m very lucky to have such great friends. I hope you have some good friends too. Here if you want to talk. Take care ❤️

      Like

    • It’s taken me a long time to reach this point. Do you have any friends you can talk to about it? I don’t know where you’re from but there are charities here in the UK that you can call. Sometimes they give advice but more often than not, they’re just there to listen. Something like that might be able to help you decide if you’d like to see a therapist or not. Wish you luck!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s