8 months ago.

I made this blog 8 months ago and I’m only just beginning to write in it.  Which makes me wonder, where was I 8 months ago?  Physically, I had been my new home for about a month.  Mentally, I was in a bad place.  I was becoming more and more anxious and struggling to deal with the day to day stuff in my new life.  So here we go.

This time two years ago, I was very happily married.  My husband was a soldier and we were preparing to move home 200 miles away.  I was pretty happy with my lot.  Then in May 2015, I found out that my husband was due to be posted to the USA for 7 months.  It was an unaccompanied posting, so I would have to wait at home for his return.  Little did I know that I when I kissed him goodbye for his flight to the States, that would be my last.

Modern technology made being apart easier.  He used to call me on FaceTime twice a day, although with a 6 hour time difference, it could be difficult.  One weekend, he hadn’t been in touch at all.  I had tried various methods of getting in contact to no avail.  I started to worry about him.  The thought of him with someone else never once entered my head, but I was thinking he had gotten drunk and hurt himself, or something equally stupid.  After three days of no contact (bearing in mind we would speak every day), I contacted one of the wives of another soldier who was out there with him to see if he had been in touch with her husband.  Her husband hadn’t seen him for the whole weekend.  Cue panic from me and his colleagues.  Eventually he turns up and can’t understand the fuss.  Of course, he then blames me.  Says that he is now the focus of ridicule from his colleagues and that he can’t believe I went that far to get in touch.  Was he forgetting that I was his wife?  It was at that point, he went cold on me.  Stopped phoning me so often and kept a distance in his messages.  I couldn’t work out what was going on, but just figured that we’d not seen each other for a few months and that this was normal stress for couples spending so long apart.  He was due to come home the following week for RnR, so I was sure that things would get better and I would have my husband back in no time.

The day he came back, he was a completely different person.  I had not seen him in over 3 months and he was only home for a week before he went away for another 4 months.  He should have been all over me like he usually was, but he couldn’t be further away from me.  It was like he couldn’t stand the sight of me.  I put it down to jet lag and continued to make more excuses for him.  The following day we would travel up north for his sister’s wedding, so I was sure that things were going to get better but even his family noticed his odd behaviour.  The next day in the hotel room, he said he was leaving me.  I was utterly distraught.  Why??  I couldn’t understand.  His reasons?  None that made any sense but here’s just a few:

  • He could no longer deal with my self-esteem issues.
  • He never wanted the cats that we adopted together.
  • He felt that we got married too quickly.  Nevermind that he proposed after 3 years together and we were married in our fourth year together.
  • He found my “lack of ambition” frustrating, which by the way, is something I don’t have…ask my friends and family!

So yeah, take your pick.  And with that, he was gone.  Spent the rest of RnR at his parents house before he flew back to the States and left me in a cruel suspense as he would drop me and then reel me back in when he suited him.  It was at this point where I deteriorated rapidly.  I lost a huge amount of weight.  It just dropped off me.  Some people eat when they are stressed and unhappy, I however am the total opposite.  I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t eating.  There were points where I would just lay there, festering.  Unwashed and still in my pajamas, staring at a wall for hours.  Luckily I have some wonderful friends who helped me to get out of that state.

Before I knew it, December was upon us.  He had been speaking to me when it suited him, giving me that little bit of false hope whenever he felt like it.  We had been speaking more at that time and he had begun using words like “us” and “we” and “future”.  On the 9th December (I remember the day like it was yesterday), he called me to say he was going to kill himself.  I spent hours talking to him and comforting him.  Then I received a Facebook message from someone I didn’t know.  It came through as a filtered request. I opened it and it said:

“Hey, you should check out my profile and see what’s been going on for the last few months.  Would love to talk, here’s my number.”

I felt sick.  I clicked.  I was faced with a profile picture of this woman who I shall refer to a “M” and MY HUSBAND, “P”, kissing.  I didn’t cry, or scream.  I just felt sick and numb to the core.  P came back onto Facetime and I greeted him with, “So who is this M person?  She seems nice.”  His face just dropped.  Facetime doesn’t hide people’s facial expressions. Suddenly his urge to take his own life became that much more substantial.  He had been caught out.  He was grasping at straws, anything he could!  He was begging me to stay with him.  Apparently, she was a pill popping alcoholic and a really awful person.  He wanted me.  But to her, he had said I had cheated on him (oh, the irony!) and that he never wanted to get married in the first place.  He was enjoying playing us off one another.

So the Army sent him home.  He was assessed and sent to a psychiatric hospital where he stayed for about a month.  Right over Christmas and New Year.  I visited him on numerous occasions.  He couldn’t look me in the eye but I forgave him, because if I didn’t, it would continue to eat away at my soul.  I didn’t blame M.  She had fallen in love with the same illusion that I had.  P was actually was a narcissist and a very dangerous individual.  Whilst he was in hospital, we talked about making things work and starting again.  Then two weeks later, he stated he wanted to be with M before coming back to me in the New Year and begging me not to leave our marital home.  Then he went back to the States for “closure”.  That is where I was finally able to say NO MORE and I ended our marriage.

January 26th was the start of my new life.  That was the day that I moved into my new home where I would live on my own for the first time in my life.  Thankfully not totally alone as I have two wonderful rescue cats.  And it has been one hell of a journey so far.  I am very proud of how far I have come and I still have such a long way to go.  I’ve really only just touched on the hell that was the breakdown of my marriage.  He is now discharged from the military and he lives with M.  M & P are now engaged and we are divorced, but I won’t give it long before he shows his true colours.

So what do I want this blog to be?  I’m not sure, really.  I think I’d like to share this new independant journey that I’m on.  I’d also like to share how thrifty I’ve had to become, along with my spiritual journey since starting a meditation and spiritual class in September last year.  I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this, but hey, got to be worth a shot!

If you’re here, thanks for reading.

With love, Darling Soul x