When the past rears her ugly head…

So I’ve been separated 1.5 years nearly and divorced for 4 months already.  So why has the past decided to show her face just as I’m really starting to move onward and upwards with my life?  The past has come in the form of my ex husband’s new fiancée.  The woman he left me for after living a double life for 4 months before getting busted.  You’d think she was happy, y’know.  What with rocking up and turning my life upside down and all.  But to me as someone who has spent some time reading interesting articles on narcissistic people (my ex husband was one), this smells of trouble in paradise.

I’d had a really lovely Christmas away with my family and had just got home from my break.  I’d decided to take an extra day off before going back to work so I had time to do some household chores before beginning the mundane life of the office again.  I set my alarm bright and early so I could gently ease my body into early mornings again after a few weeks of practically zero routine, and I woke up in a reasonably good mood…until I saw a message from my ex sister in law followed by an email from my ex husband’s beau.  I still have a really good relationship with my ex inlaws so it’s not unusual for us to stay in touch, plus I’m going to visit them at the end of the month.  So basically, M (the ex’s latest victim) has had some nasty things posted on the internet about her and she’s come to the conclusion that it simply has to be the disgruntled ex wife and/or her ex best friend, J, who fell out with her over M wrecking a marriage.  I can understand her thoughts however, if it were me in her shoes, I would be checking the evidence and doing a bit of digging before going in both barrels. At the end of the day, she works in law so you would think in her line of work, it would be important to check the facts first.  Apparently not.

The email from M read:

“If you or any of your friends, including J, post any additional comments/photos/images/thoughts about me publicly on the internet as of and after this date, I will be forced to file a defamation suit against you and J.  I have investigated the issue and I have an attorney involved.  This issue needs to stop immediately.  Time to move forward.”

“Time to move forward”.  No shit, M!  I already did, a long time ago.  It certainly sounds like M hasn’t moved forward, does it?  She’d gotten my contact details from my ex husband too and had decided that emailing to my personal account wasn’t enough.  She sent it to my work email too!  I waited a good 6 hours before sending a slightly heated but well worded reply, to which she replied back trying to justify her initial contact.

So I can honestly say it wasn’t me.  I did some digging online with a friend that only took me a few hours to do and I can now confirm that it isn’t me (I knew that anyway of course!) and it isn’t J either.  I know who it is and for some reason, they have a huge grudge against M.  I could tell her, but I’ll let her trip herself up first.

In other more exciting news, I went on a date for the first time at the weekend!  Might seem like a small feat for most, but I’ve been battling with my own head for a while about meeting someone else.  To go through everything and I have been through, the thought of giving someone else a bit of heart (as cringy as that sounds) makes my chest hurt.  I just don’t know if I have anything left to give.  But I gave online dating a shot and although I when I was on the train to meet my date I was shaking like a leaf, I needn’t have been worried at all!  He was lovely.  I didn’t intend on staying out as late as I did and we didn’t stop talking so that’s a good sign.  He put me at ease and we seem to have a lot in common.  Too early to say if it could go anywhere, but it was a nice confidence boost if nothing else.

With love, Darling Soul x


More than words.

So yesterday I was at the doctors surgery.  Once my appointment had finished, I left my doctor’s office and headed towards the front desk to schedule a follow up appointment.  They play music in reception and guess what song was playing whilst I waited in the queue?  My first dance song.  The song that my ex husband and I chose to dance to for the first time as husband and wife while our wedding guests watched us and took photos.  It’s such a beautiful song but the last time that I heard it was the morning of my ex husband’s flight to the USA, which was where he had the affair that ended our marriage.  We had stayed in a hotel the night before his flight when he found the song on YouTube and took my hands so that we could dance together before he went away.  I remember sobbing my heart out as we slow danced in our hotel room.  I didn’t want it to end.  I had no idea that the next time I heard that song, it wouldn’t fill me with romance or sweet thoughts but it would stuff me full of anger and painful memories.  Sometimes I’d just be out driving somewhere and my playlist would be on shuffle and the song would come on.  Those first few notes of the acoustic guitar were enough to make me seethe and stab furiously at the skip button.

But yesterday as I stood in the queue being forced to hear it, I no longer felt resentful.  Of course, I instantly recognised it and realised its connection to me and someone who was once one of the most important people in my life.  But I felt nothing.  I just appreciated the song as I once did before I met my ex husband.  And it was the BEST feeling!  I knew at this point that I had finally made some progress in my recovery since our very turbulent breakup.  I’ve had a lot of days lately where I’ve felt like I seem to be going no where fast and that I’m treading water, especially in regards to him and the damage that he has caused.  This is a small victory but I’m grasping it with both hands and enjoying it, along with the song itself!  I am beginning to heal, at long last.

No doubt, you’ll want to know which song it was.  Here it is. Enjoy, as I know I now will!

With love, Darling Soul x