Coffee and Citalopram.

I went to see the doctor yesterday following my realisation last week.  Over the weekend, I started to doubt whether I even needed to go and see the doctor.  My mood had gotten slightly better over the weekend and the sun had been shining.  I’d just been having a bad week, right?  I almost caved and cancelled it, but I knew that I should probably just go and talk to someone at least.  I felt sick as a dog the whole journey there.  I took my book with me to read in the waiting room, although I’m not sure why I bothered because I’ve been reading that same book since October last year.  I haven’t been able to concentrate on it for so long.  Surprisingly, I didn’t have to wait for long before my name was called.  He was a polite, smiling man and showed me into his office and asked me to sit down.

“So, how can I help?”

Hmm.  I’m not even sure how to answer that or how to begin my opening line.  I’d spent all weekend rehearsing it.  I seemed to have forgotten my lines.  Where’s my prompter when I need them?

“I’ve been suffering with low mood and anxiety for quite a while.”  I got that line from my sister.  She told me how I should open up.  It worked.

I was shaking when I said it, and it wasn’t long before I was passed the tissues and the floodgates opened.  Poor doc, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting this mess on his 12 minute appointment with me.  I was given a questionnaire to complete and the score would determine just where I fall on the “depression scale”.  I’ve come away with counselling, a referral to a psychiatrist and some pills.  Well, one week’s worth of pills at a time.  To prevent overdose.

Close friends who know keep telling me how proud they are of me, but if it wasn’t for them then I wouldn’t have made the call.

I took my first pill this morning.  So far, it has made me feel nauseous and headachey but I’m told that it will take a few days for that to fade.  And it will take several weeks before these pills really start to make a difference.  What I’m most worried about is that the side affects will become apparent in my behaviour at work and I don’t want that at all.  But what I do want is to document this part of my journey.  I hope that someone who is struggling in life will read this and realise that it’s okay to admit defeat sometimes.  Actually, it’s not defeat.  It’s the start of feeling better.

Signing off for now.

With love, Darling Soul x

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Pandora’s Box.

Last night, I came to fully realise something that I’ve actually known deep down for quite a long time.  I am depressed.  After spending two and a half hours on the phone to a friend last night (I had a bad day), I have booked an appointment with my doctor on Monday and I’m fairly certain that I will be diagnosed with depression.  I’ve spent so long battling my own mind since the end of my marriage in 2015, that I seem to have misread the signs and placed a form of normality on them.  Isn’t it amazing how one person’s actions and behaviour can leave you a total fuck up?  That strong desire I have when driving to want to total my car into a tree, or imagine who would take care of my cats if I was no longer here, is not what is considered normal or healthy.  Every time I start to struggle, I say to myself,

“You’re just having a bad day/week/month.  It’s alright.”

I know that I should’ve spoken to someone long ago about what I’ve been experiencing for the past nearly 2 years, but I constantly made excuses or put it off.  Until yesterday for some reason.

Finally, thanks to my friend for helping me to understand, I get it.  I used to be so bubbly and charismatic.  Now I have used all of that energy at work holding up the mask so my colleagues don’t see, all I want to do at the end of the day is go home and be alone.  I get invited out to socialise and all I do is make polite excuses that I have errands to run or people to see.  My house runs through stages of being crazy neat to crazy untidy because when depression really hits, I want to do nothing but procrastinate and then beat myself up for procrastinating.  Those are currently my favourite past times.  Anxiety comes in the form of clenching my jaw tight, pulling out my own hair and biting my nails.  All because I’m trying to put the depression monster in a box but he’s fighting to get out, and it’s exhausting.

My friend said that because everything happened so quickly and crazily, my brain has struggled to compose itself after the storm.  I have not had a moment’s peace…until now.  And that “peace” is deafening.  I need to fix this.  I’m so grateful to have friends that care and understand.  This has been a hard post to write, but it’s all part of my healing process.  Hopefully I will have some positive news on Monday from the doctor, which will help me to move onward and upwards.

With love, Darling Soul x

One year on.

This time last year, I signed for the keys to my house following the separation between my now ex husband and I.  In all of my adult life, I had never lived alone and I remember almost shaking with the anticipation of what was to come next.  I had no idea what to expect or if I could even do this.  I wanted to prove to him that I could do this without any of his help.  “Put your big girl pants on and just deal with it” he used to say to me, even throughout our relationship.  He was adamant that I was incapable of being on my own, when in fact the irony in this is that that actually mirrors his own feelings.  He has proven to the world that he is incapable of being alone by hopping from one woman to the next, never really understanding himself.

I remember walking down the mossy slate path to my new home and turning the keys in the lock for the first time.  My heart was thumping in my chest as I explored each room, picturing where my furniture and belongings would go.  After all, I had no one to tell me where I could and couldn’t put my things now.  I imagined my cats sleeping by the fireplace after a long day of playing in the garden.  I could see myself with my feet up on the sofa, cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other.  I could see myself in the garden laughing with my friends on a warm summer’s evening.  I was eager for the memories that I would create in my new home; alone.  Then when my furniture arrived and was put in place by the removal guys, I was given some paperwork to sign before they left.  I sat down on the sofa and it was so quiet, I could hear their truck’s engine start as they then drove off down the road.  I suddenly burst into tears and I don’t think I stopped crying for a good 20 minutes or so.  For the first time since my marriage fell apart, I was totally alone.

Seeing this photo of me holding my new keys for the first time has had me reminiscing about probably the hardest time in my life.  I am smiling in the photo yet I look beyond exhausted, following weeks of going back and forth emotionally as my ex husband played games with both my heart and the heart of the woman he cheated on me with.  Mentally I was exhausted too, after supporting my ex husband during his time in a psychiatric ward.  He had threatened to take his own life after his bubble was burst and he had simultaneously lost both his wife and girlfriend in the blink of an eye as we finally found out about each other following nearly 5 months of deception and lies.

I wish I could go back to this time a year ago, and tell myself that it’ll all be okay.  When times are hard, everyone tells you that things will work out eventually, but at that time you don’t believe it.  At that time, the pain I was suffering caused me to almost take my own life.  This is not something that I am proud of, but it is the truth.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me from doing it was my cats.  That probably sounds stupid, but I had two little souls in fur coats that depended on me and loved me unconditionally.  I rescued them from a very bad start in life and it wasn’t fair of me to put them in another bad situation.  They saved my life.  And I am so grateful for them, and my incredible friends and family for being the constant in my life.

Over the past year, things have slowly fallen into place.  I am settled now into my solitary home life, which is something I have come to enjoy.  I take great solace in doing what I want and when I want, no one to question me or answer to.  My life had always revolved around my ex husband you see, his wants and needs and even his career took over my life. My next puzzle piece will be securing a position in a job of my choosing.  Because of my ex husband’s career in the military, mine always took a back seat.  We moved often and I was never able to fully settle into a role.  It’s my time now.

With love, Darling Soul x

PS. When you’re having a hard time and nothing seems to be going right, remember…this, too, will pass.

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