Springtime Wishes.

Happy first day of Spring!  The weather is starting to warm up at long last and life is beginning to appear outside in the form of buds and daffodils.  It’s almost the end of March already, which means we’re coming up 4 months into 2017. I don’t really do New Years Resolutions but I do like to give myself goals and aspirations for the upcoming year ahead.  Last year was spent doing nothing but healing.  In hindsight, it can feel a little like wasted days but after everything I had endured, it was necessary healing time that I needed in order to get myself to the point that I’m at now.  But I promised myself that this year I would become stronger and that I would start living my life for me.  I’ve spent the past 10 years of my life in other people’s shadows and my lack of self confidence made me feel like I wasn’t smart enough to achieve what I really want in life.  Forget New Years Eve.  Springtime is the perfect time to realise your dreams and ambitions, and create their foundations.

This evening, I picked some wild daffodils from my garden and I put them in a vase.  They are such a gorgeous, vivid yellow.  Ironically, this is also the colour of the solar plexus chakra.  The solar plexus chakra is responsible for the following:

  • Will power
  • Taking responsibility for one’s life
  • Mental abilities and intellect
  • Forming personal opinions and beliefs
  • Making decisions
  • Personal identity, self assurance and confidence

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I haven’t always been in control of my life (who has?!) and I certainly have lacked in confidence in myself over the years.  Where I am now is probably the most self assured I have ever felt in my life and I feel that finding meditation and spiritual development has aided me in that greatly.  I am slowly beginning to take control of my life.  I recognise that I am not an especially academic person but I now finally feel in a position where I can hopefully change that.  I left school to work full time at the age of 17.  I have stayed within the same organisation for almost 12 years, floating from job to job without much of a plan.  My goal in life used to be get married and have my own family, but things didn’t work out that way.  Here I am, divorced and approaching 30 years of age.  This is not where I expected to be at all.  I thought I’d have at least one child by this point.  I have cats instead of children, which is hindsight is probably a blessing in disguise after everything that has happened over the past 18 months.  I’ve spent far too much time wallowing and I’ve also spent too much time doing jobs that I don’t really care for.  The organisation that I work for has treated me well and I enjoy working for them, but I will never be able to really apply myself if I stay there.  So using springtime inspiration to fufil hopeful oppotunities, I have been seriously considering taking up an Open University degree.  It’s not going to be easy and it will take me 6 years to complete it alongside full time work, but I feel that I’m ready for it.  I care a lot for people and I find interest in discovering what makes them tick.  I have so many friends that come to me with their problems, so I figured it was about time that I got paid for it!  Counselling degree, here I come.

Another solar plexus beauty is my “Wish Jar”.  Every week, I write down the positive things that happenend before dropping the card inside of the jar.  I thought it would be something that I would forget to do and struggle to keep on top of, but it’s been so easy.  Every Sunday/Monday evening, I write those happy notes on some card and then I let go.  I’ve enjoyed watching the little notes grow in number every week with my left handed, slightly smudgy cursive letters.  I look forward to reading back over each and every single one of them at the end of the year before I scrapbook them and imortalise them on my increasingly full bookcase.

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So, Happy First Day of Spring!  Take charge of your life and treat yourself like a little budding flower.  You need water, sunlight and nuturing first before you can fully embrace you in all of your wonderful you-ness 🙂

And before I go, I just had to share this!  I found it last night and it had me in hysterics.  Perhaps my heart chakra could do with some work…right, off to do the dishes and some meditation before bed!

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With love, Darling Soul x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One year on.

This time last year, I signed for the keys to my house following the separation between my now ex husband and I.  In all of my adult life, I had never lived alone and I remember almost shaking with the anticipation of what was to come next.  I had no idea what to expect or if I could even do this.  I wanted to prove to him that I could do this without any of his help.  “Put your big girl pants on and just deal with it” he used to say to me, even throughout our relationship.  He was adamant that I was incapable of being on my own, when in fact the irony in this is that that actually mirrors his own feelings.  He has proven to the world that he is incapable of being alone by hopping from one woman to the next, never really understanding himself.

I remember walking down the mossy slate path to my new home and turning the keys in the lock for the first time.  My heart was thumping in my chest as I explored each room, picturing where my furniture and belongings would go.  After all, I had no one to tell me where I could and couldn’t put my things now.  I imagined my cats sleeping by the fireplace after a long day of playing in the garden.  I could see myself with my feet up on the sofa, cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other.  I could see myself in the garden laughing with my friends on a warm summer’s evening.  I was eager for the memories that I would create in my new home; alone.  Then when my furniture arrived and was put in place by the removal guys, I was given some paperwork to sign before they left.  I sat down on the sofa and it was so quiet, I could hear their truck’s engine start as they then drove off down the road.  I suddenly burst into tears and I don’t think I stopped crying for a good 20 minutes or so.  For the first time since my marriage fell apart, I was totally alone.

Seeing this photo of me holding my new keys for the first time has had me reminiscing about probably the hardest time in my life.  I am smiling in the photo yet I look beyond exhausted, following weeks of going back and forth emotionally as my ex husband played games with both my heart and the heart of the woman he cheated on me with.  Mentally I was exhausted too, after supporting my ex husband during his time in a psychiatric ward.  He had threatened to take his own life after his bubble was burst and he had simultaneously lost both his wife and girlfriend in the blink of an eye as we finally found out about each other following nearly 5 months of deception and lies.

I wish I could go back to this time a year ago, and tell myself that it’ll all be okay.  When times are hard, everyone tells you that things will work out eventually, but at that time you don’t believe it.  At that time, the pain I was suffering caused me to almost take my own life.  This is not something that I am proud of, but it is the truth.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me from doing it was my cats.  That probably sounds stupid, but I had two little souls in fur coats that depended on me and loved me unconditionally.  I rescued them from a very bad start in life and it wasn’t fair of me to put them in another bad situation.  They saved my life.  And I am so grateful for them, and my incredible friends and family for being the constant in my life.

Over the past year, things have slowly fallen into place.  I am settled now into my solitary home life, which is something I have come to enjoy.  I take great solace in doing what I want and when I want, no one to question me or answer to.  My life had always revolved around my ex husband you see, his wants and needs and even his career took over my life. My next puzzle piece will be securing a position in a job of my choosing.  Because of my ex husband’s career in the military, mine always took a back seat.  We moved often and I was never able to fully settle into a role.  It’s my time now.

With love, Darling Soul x

PS. When you’re having a hard time and nothing seems to be going right, remember…this, too, will pass.

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She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.

I’m having one of those days today, so to cheer myself up I’ve put my “Good Mood Tunes” playlist on in the office.  A song came on that gave me some strength during hard times, and I thought that I’d share it with you all.  I kind of feel like it’s my anthem!

She thinks she’s all alone
And all her hopes are gone
And so I wrote this song
So she can move along

Well, things were bad
She was in despair
Well, things were bad.
And you were never there

But things were bad
She came up for air
She said a little prayer
She found herself

Yeah, she’s got a light in her face
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins.
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay

She looks into the sky
And all her tears are dry
She kiss her fears goodbye
She’s gonna be alright.

But things were bad
It was beyond repair.
She was scared
She couldn’t handle it.
Things were bad but now she’s glad
Can’t you tell – she’s walking on air?

Yeah, she’s got a light in her face
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins.
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins.
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay

That girl is you, yeah
And that girl is me
That girl is stronger than the raging sea
That girl is you, yeah
And that girl is me
That girl is stronger than the raging sea

Yeah, she’s got a light in her face
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins.
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
No SOS needed; no rescuing, she’s fine out there
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay

Happy Wednesday, all!

With love, Darling Soul x

Loosening my grip.

Sometimes I feel like I won’t find love again.  Not because I don’t want to find it, but because I don’t think I am capable of loving another person again with the sheer intensity that I loved my ex husband.  I have loved people since, but it wasn’t the same.  The walls that I built after the news of my ex’s infidelity are high.  The bricks are tough and strong.  A brick or two may have come loose over these past 18 months nearly, but I just can’t seem to view any possible relationship without scrutinizing every little detail.

Why does he like me?  What does he want?  Why is he saying nice things?  What is he trying to achieve?  I question every little thing and my God, it’s beyond tiring.  For me and those involved.  It takes the fun away from the chase because I’m too busy over analysing the other person’s facial expressions and actions when I should be enjoying their company and what could become.  I question because when my ex husband left, I had several guys act like they wanted to console me when actually all that they wanted was sex.  If that doesn’t make you query everything that someone who supposedly likes you does, then I don’t know what will!  That was a really horrible and confusing time for me, and very unfair and gross that people who I once considered friends would try and take advantage of me in that way when I was especially vulnerable.

Now see, I love animals.  They cheer me up and their love is unconditional.  They ask for nothing in return.  They don’t have ulterior motives (apart from food perhaps!) and they love honestly.  They don’t hate or hurt.  They don’t lie or cheat.  They know when I am sad or upset and they use their own wonderful little ways to make me feel happy again.  Why can’t people be more like animals?  Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off on my own with my animals.  No one to disappoint or hurt me.  But I wasn’t made for this life.  I am energetic, bubbly and I talk far too much.  I wasn’t created to be left alone for long periods of time.  Dammit, being an empath sucks sometimes.

Guess where I’m going this weekend…to see my ex inlaws.  Lots of people are confused as to why I’m going to see them, but it’s not their fault that their son/brother is a dick.  I was very lucky to have a special relationship with my inlaws and right from day one, they treated me like I was part of the family.  Even now, they still do.  I realise that this is not a luxury that many have and I was indeed lucky during my relationship with him, and now it appears that my luck continues even after divorce.  His parents sent me some money for Christmas and asked me to come and visit, so this weekend will be the first time that I’ve seen them in nearly 14 months.  I’m excited to see them all but also nervous.  Their house holds many memories for me and knowing that his new beau has visited their home will probably make me feel slightly uneasy.  Actually to be honest, I have no idea how I will feel.  I do have a meditation class before I head off to see them though, so I hope that I will receive lots of love and light before my journey which will help me to deal with possible conflicting emotions during my visit.

Before I finish up, a very dear friend of mine sent me this little bit of wisdom yesterday.  I think we can all relate in some shape or form.

With love, Darling Soul x

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More than words.

So yesterday I was at the doctors surgery.  Once my appointment had finished, I left my doctor’s office and headed towards the front desk to schedule a follow up appointment.  They play music in reception and guess what song was playing whilst I waited in the queue?  My first dance song.  The song that my ex husband and I chose to dance to for the first time as husband and wife while our wedding guests watched us and took photos.  It’s such a beautiful song but the last time that I heard it was the morning of my ex husband’s flight to the USA, which was where he had the affair that ended our marriage.  We had stayed in a hotel the night before his flight when he found the song on YouTube and took my hands so that we could dance together before he went away.  I remember sobbing my heart out as we slow danced in our hotel room.  I didn’t want it to end.  I had no idea that the next time I heard that song, it wouldn’t fill me with romance or sweet thoughts but it would stuff me full of anger and painful memories.  Sometimes I’d just be out driving somewhere and my playlist would be on shuffle and the song would come on.  Those first few notes of the acoustic guitar were enough to make me seethe and stab furiously at the skip button.

But yesterday as I stood in the queue being forced to hear it, I no longer felt resentful.  Of course, I instantly recognised it and realised its connection to me and someone who was once one of the most important people in my life.  But I felt nothing.  I just appreciated the song as I once did before I met my ex husband.  And it was the BEST feeling!  I knew at this point that I had finally made some progress in my recovery since our very turbulent breakup.  I’ve had a lot of days lately where I’ve felt like I seem to be going no where fast and that I’m treading water, especially in regards to him and the damage that he has caused.  This is a small victory but I’m grasping it with both hands and enjoying it, along with the song itself!  I am beginning to heal, at long last.

No doubt, you’ll want to know which song it was.  Here it is. Enjoy, as I know I now will!

With love, Darling Soul x