Springtime Wishes.

Happy first day of Spring!  The weather is starting to warm up at long last and life is beginning to appear outside in the form of buds and daffodils.  It’s almost the end of March already, which means we’re coming up 4 months into 2017. I don’t really do New Years Resolutions but I do like to give myself goals and aspirations for the upcoming year ahead.  Last year was spent doing nothing but healing.  In hindsight, it can feel a little like wasted days but after everything I had endured, it was necessary healing time that I needed in order to get myself to the point that I’m at now.  But I promised myself that this year I would become stronger and that I would start living my life for me.  I’ve spent the past 10 years of my life in other people’s shadows and my lack of self confidence made me feel like I wasn’t smart enough to achieve what I really want in life.  Forget New Years Eve.  Springtime is the perfect time to realise your dreams and ambitions, and create their foundations.

This evening, I picked some wild daffodils from my garden and I put them in a vase.  They are such a gorgeous, vivid yellow.  Ironically, this is also the colour of the solar plexus chakra.  The solar plexus chakra is responsible for the following:

  • Will power
  • Taking responsibility for one’s life
  • Mental abilities and intellect
  • Forming personal opinions and beliefs
  • Making decisions
  • Personal identity, self assurance and confidence

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I haven’t always been in control of my life (who has?!) and I certainly have lacked in confidence in myself over the years.  Where I am now is probably the most self assured I have ever felt in my life and I feel that finding meditation and spiritual development has aided me in that greatly.  I am slowly beginning to take control of my life.  I recognise that I am not an especially academic person but I now finally feel in a position where I can hopefully change that.  I left school to work full time at the age of 17.  I have stayed within the same organisation for almost 12 years, floating from job to job without much of a plan.  My goal in life used to be get married and have my own family, but things didn’t work out that way.  Here I am, divorced and approaching 30 years of age.  This is not where I expected to be at all.  I thought I’d have at least one child by this point.  I have cats instead of children, which is hindsight is probably a blessing in disguise after everything that has happened over the past 18 months.  I’ve spent far too much time wallowing and I’ve also spent too much time doing jobs that I don’t really care for.  The organisation that I work for has treated me well and I enjoy working for them, but I will never be able to really apply myself if I stay there.  So using springtime inspiration to fufil hopeful oppotunities, I have been seriously considering taking up an Open University degree.  It’s not going to be easy and it will take me 6 years to complete it alongside full time work, but I feel that I’m ready for it.  I care a lot for people and I find interest in discovering what makes them tick.  I have so many friends that come to me with their problems, so I figured it was about time that I got paid for it!  Counselling degree, here I come.

Another solar plexus beauty is my “Wish Jar”.  Every week, I write down the positive things that happenend before dropping the card inside of the jar.  I thought it would be something that I would forget to do and struggle to keep on top of, but it’s been so easy.  Every Sunday/Monday evening, I write those happy notes on some card and then I let go.  I’ve enjoyed watching the little notes grow in number every week with my left handed, slightly smudgy cursive letters.  I look forward to reading back over each and every single one of them at the end of the year before I scrapbook them and imortalise them on my increasingly full bookcase.

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So, Happy First Day of Spring!  Take charge of your life and treat yourself like a little budding flower.  You need water, sunlight and nuturing first before you can fully embrace you in all of your wonderful you-ness 🙂

And before I go, I just had to share this!  I found it last night and it had me in hysterics.  Perhaps my heart chakra could do with some work…right, off to do the dishes and some meditation before bed!

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With love, Darling Soul x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Loosening my grip.

Sometimes I feel like I won’t find love again.  Not because I don’t want to find it, but because I don’t think I am capable of loving another person again with the sheer intensity that I loved my ex husband.  I have loved people since, but it wasn’t the same.  The walls that I built after the news of my ex’s infidelity are high.  The bricks are tough and strong.  A brick or two may have come loose over these past 18 months nearly, but I just can’t seem to view any possible relationship without scrutinizing every little detail.

Why does he like me?  What does he want?  Why is he saying nice things?  What is he trying to achieve?  I question every little thing and my God, it’s beyond tiring.  For me and those involved.  It takes the fun away from the chase because I’m too busy over analysing the other person’s facial expressions and actions when I should be enjoying their company and what could become.  I question because when my ex husband left, I had several guys act like they wanted to console me when actually all that they wanted was sex.  If that doesn’t make you query everything that someone who supposedly likes you does, then I don’t know what will!  That was a really horrible and confusing time for me, and very unfair and gross that people who I once considered friends would try and take advantage of me in that way when I was especially vulnerable.

Now see, I love animals.  They cheer me up and their love is unconditional.  They ask for nothing in return.  They don’t have ulterior motives (apart from food perhaps!) and they love honestly.  They don’t hate or hurt.  They don’t lie or cheat.  They know when I am sad or upset and they use their own wonderful little ways to make me feel happy again.  Why can’t people be more like animals?  Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off on my own with my animals.  No one to disappoint or hurt me.  But I wasn’t made for this life.  I am energetic, bubbly and I talk far too much.  I wasn’t created to be left alone for long periods of time.  Dammit, being an empath sucks sometimes.

Guess where I’m going this weekend…to see my ex inlaws.  Lots of people are confused as to why I’m going to see them, but it’s not their fault that their son/brother is a dick.  I was very lucky to have a special relationship with my inlaws and right from day one, they treated me like I was part of the family.  Even now, they still do.  I realise that this is not a luxury that many have and I was indeed lucky during my relationship with him, and now it appears that my luck continues even after divorce.  His parents sent me some money for Christmas and asked me to come and visit, so this weekend will be the first time that I’ve seen them in nearly 14 months.  I’m excited to see them all but also nervous.  Their house holds many memories for me and knowing that his new beau has visited their home will probably make me feel slightly uneasy.  Actually to be honest, I have no idea how I will feel.  I do have a meditation class before I head off to see them though, so I hope that I will receive lots of love and light before my journey which will help me to deal with possible conflicting emotions during my visit.

Before I finish up, a very dear friend of mine sent me this little bit of wisdom yesterday.  I think we can all relate in some shape or form.

With love, Darling Soul x

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Doreen.

Wow, some people actually read and liked my first post!  So I guess I’ll be keeping this up.

I thought I’d let you in on why my blog is named “oh darling soul”.  It was my Nan’s nickname for me and when she was still alive, she used to call me and say “Hello, darling soul.” or when I was telling her a story, she used to laugh and say “Oh, darling soul!”.  Her giggles were so infectious and if I listen carefully, I can still hear her laugh tinkling through the ether.  Sadly, my Nan passed away very unexpectedly 5 years ago.  It was the anniversary of her death yesterday and I thought of her even more than I usually do.  I miss her words of wisdom and guidance, but since starting my spiritual journey last year, I know she is always with me and I can call on her whenever I want to hear from her.  I had a really special relationship with my Nan.  During the meditation and psychic development group that I attend, I was given a reading by one of the other members of the group and she had managed to connect with my Nan.  My Nan was clapping and saying “keep going”.  That was a nice little show from her that I’m on the right path and not to slow down.  Keep going.  I can hear her say it!  What a comfort.

So yes, there’s a little background for you into the reason for my blog name.  Shortly after my Nan died, I got the words “darling soul” tattooed on my foot in her handwriting.  I copied it directly from her handwriting, so it’s almost like she wrote on my foot.

With love, Darling Soul x

8 months ago.

I made this blog 8 months ago and I’m only just beginning to write in it.  Which makes me wonder, where was I 8 months ago?  Physically, I had been my new home for about a month.  Mentally, I was in a bad place.  I was becoming more and more anxious and struggling to deal with the day to day stuff in my new life.  So here we go.

This time two years ago, I was very happily married.  My husband was a soldier and we were preparing to move home 200 miles away.  I was pretty happy with my lot.  Then in May 2015, I found out that my husband was due to be posted to the USA for 7 months.  It was an unaccompanied posting, so I would have to wait at home for his return.  Little did I know that I when I kissed him goodbye for his flight to the States, that would be my last.

Modern technology made being apart easier.  He used to call me on FaceTime twice a day, although with a 6 hour time difference, it could be difficult.  One weekend, he hadn’t been in touch at all.  I had tried various methods of getting in contact to no avail.  I started to worry about him.  The thought of him with someone else never once entered my head, but I was thinking he had gotten drunk and hurt himself, or something equally stupid.  After three days of no contact (bearing in mind we would speak every day), I contacted one of the wives of another soldier who was out there with him to see if he had been in touch with her husband.  Her husband hadn’t seen him for the whole weekend.  Cue panic from me and his colleagues.  Eventually he turns up and can’t understand the fuss.  Of course, he then blames me.  Says that he is now the focus of ridicule from his colleagues and that he can’t believe I went that far to get in touch.  Was he forgetting that I was his wife?  It was at that point, he went cold on me.  Stopped phoning me so often and kept a distance in his messages.  I couldn’t work out what was going on, but just figured that we’d not seen each other for a few months and that this was normal stress for couples spending so long apart.  He was due to come home the following week for RnR, so I was sure that things would get better and I would have my husband back in no time.

The day he came back, he was a completely different person.  I had not seen him in over 3 months and he was only home for a week before he went away for another 4 months.  He should have been all over me like he usually was, but he couldn’t be further away from me.  It was like he couldn’t stand the sight of me.  I put it down to jet lag and continued to make more excuses for him.  The following day we would travel up north for his sister’s wedding, so I was sure that things were going to get better but even his family noticed his odd behaviour.  The next day in the hotel room, he said he was leaving me.  I was utterly distraught.  Why??  I couldn’t understand.  His reasons?  None that made any sense but here’s just a few:

  • He could no longer deal with my self-esteem issues.
  • He never wanted the cats that we adopted together.
  • He felt that we got married too quickly.  Nevermind that he proposed after 3 years together and we were married in our fourth year together.
  • He found my “lack of ambition” frustrating, which by the way, is something I don’t have…ask my friends and family!

So yeah, take your pick.  And with that, he was gone.  Spent the rest of RnR at his parents house before he flew back to the States and left me in a cruel suspense as he would drop me and then reel me back in when he suited him.  It was at this point where I deteriorated rapidly.  I lost a huge amount of weight.  It just dropped off me.  Some people eat when they are stressed and unhappy, I however am the total opposite.  I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t eating.  There were points where I would just lay there, festering.  Unwashed and still in my pajamas, staring at a wall for hours.  Luckily I have some wonderful friends who helped me to get out of that state.

Before I knew it, December was upon us.  He had been speaking to me when it suited him, giving me that little bit of false hope whenever he felt like it.  We had been speaking more at that time and he had begun using words like “us” and “we” and “future”.  On the 9th December (I remember the day like it was yesterday), he called me to say he was going to kill himself.  I spent hours talking to him and comforting him.  Then I received a Facebook message from someone I didn’t know.  It came through as a filtered request. I opened it and it said:

“Hey, you should check out my profile and see what’s been going on for the last few months.  Would love to talk, here’s my number.”

I felt sick.  I clicked.  I was faced with a profile picture of this woman who I shall refer to a “M” and MY HUSBAND, “P”, kissing.  I didn’t cry, or scream.  I just felt sick and numb to the core.  P came back onto Facetime and I greeted him with, “So who is this M person?  She seems nice.”  His face just dropped.  Facetime doesn’t hide people’s facial expressions. Suddenly his urge to take his own life became that much more substantial.  He had been caught out.  He was grasping at straws, anything he could!  He was begging me to stay with him.  Apparently, she was a pill popping alcoholic and a really awful person.  He wanted me.  But to her, he had said I had cheated on him (oh, the irony!) and that he never wanted to get married in the first place.  He was enjoying playing us off one another.

So the Army sent him home.  He was assessed and sent to a psychiatric hospital where he stayed for about a month.  Right over Christmas and New Year.  I visited him on numerous occasions.  He couldn’t look me in the eye but I forgave him, because if I didn’t, it would continue to eat away at my soul.  I didn’t blame M.  She had fallen in love with the same illusion that I had.  P was actually was a narcissist and a very dangerous individual.  Whilst he was in hospital, we talked about making things work and starting again.  Then two weeks later, he stated he wanted to be with M before coming back to me in the New Year and begging me not to leave our marital home.  Then he went back to the States for “closure”.  That is where I was finally able to say NO MORE and I ended our marriage.

January 26th was the start of my new life.  That was the day that I moved into my new home where I would live on my own for the first time in my life.  Thankfully not totally alone as I have two wonderful rescue cats.  And it has been one hell of a journey so far.  I am very proud of how far I have come and I still have such a long way to go.  I’ve really only just touched on the hell that was the breakdown of my marriage.  He is now discharged from the military and he lives with M.  M & P are now engaged and we are divorced, but I won’t give it long before he shows his true colours.

So what do I want this blog to be?  I’m not sure, really.  I think I’d like to share this new independant journey that I’m on.  I’d also like to share how thrifty I’ve had to become, along with my spiritual journey since starting a meditation and spiritual class in September last year.  I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this, but hey, got to be worth a shot!

If you’re here, thanks for reading.

With love, Darling Soul x