One year on.

This time last year, I signed for the keys to my house following the separation between my now ex husband and I.  In all of my adult life, I had never lived alone and I remember almost shaking with the anticipation of what was to come next.  I had no idea what to expect or if I could even do this.  I wanted to prove to him that I could do this without any of his help.  “Put your big girl pants on and just deal with it” he used to say to me, even throughout our relationship.  He was adamant that I was incapable of being on my own, when in fact the irony in this is that that actually mirrors his own feelings.  He has proven to the world that he is incapable of being alone by hopping from one woman to the next, never really understanding himself.

I remember walking down the mossy slate path to my new home and turning the keys in the lock for the first time.  My heart was thumping in my chest as I explored each room, picturing where my furniture and belongings would go.  After all, I had no one to tell me where I could and couldn’t put my things now.  I imagined my cats sleeping by the fireplace after a long day of playing in the garden.  I could see myself with my feet up on the sofa, cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other.  I could see myself in the garden laughing with my friends on a warm summer’s evening.  I was eager for the memories that I would create in my new home; alone.  Then when my furniture arrived and was put in place by the removal guys, I was given some paperwork to sign before they left.  I sat down on the sofa and it was so quiet, I could hear their truck’s engine start as they then drove off down the road.  I suddenly burst into tears and I don’t think I stopped crying for a good 20 minutes or so.  For the first time since my marriage fell apart, I was totally alone.

Seeing this photo of me holding my new keys for the first time has had me reminiscing about probably the hardest time in my life.  I am smiling in the photo yet I look beyond exhausted, following weeks of going back and forth emotionally as my ex husband played games with both my heart and the heart of the woman he cheated on me with.  Mentally I was exhausted too, after supporting my ex husband during his time in a psychiatric ward.  He had threatened to take his own life after his bubble was burst and he had simultaneously lost both his wife and girlfriend in the blink of an eye as we finally found out about each other following nearly 5 months of deception and lies.

I wish I could go back to this time a year ago, and tell myself that it’ll all be okay.  When times are hard, everyone tells you that things will work out eventually, but at that time you don’t believe it.  At that time, the pain I was suffering caused me to almost take my own life.  This is not something that I am proud of, but it is the truth.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me from doing it was my cats.  That probably sounds stupid, but I had two little souls in fur coats that depended on me and loved me unconditionally.  I rescued them from a very bad start in life and it wasn’t fair of me to put them in another bad situation.  They saved my life.  And I am so grateful for them, and my incredible friends and family for being the constant in my life.

Over the past year, things have slowly fallen into place.  I am settled now into my solitary home life, which is something I have come to enjoy.  I take great solace in doing what I want and when I want, no one to question me or answer to.  My life had always revolved around my ex husband you see, his wants and needs and even his career took over my life. My next puzzle piece will be securing a position in a job of my choosing.  Because of my ex husband’s career in the military, mine always took a back seat.  We moved often and I was never able to fully settle into a role.  It’s my time now.

With love, Darling Soul x

PS. When you’re having a hard time and nothing seems to be going right, remember…this, too, will pass.

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More than words.

So yesterday I was at the doctors surgery.  Once my appointment had finished, I left my doctor’s office and headed towards the front desk to schedule a follow up appointment.  They play music in reception and guess what song was playing whilst I waited in the queue?  My first dance song.  The song that my ex husband and I chose to dance to for the first time as husband and wife while our wedding guests watched us and took photos.  It’s such a beautiful song but the last time that I heard it was the morning of my ex husband’s flight to the USA, which was where he had the affair that ended our marriage.  We had stayed in a hotel the night before his flight when he found the song on YouTube and took my hands so that we could dance together before he went away.  I remember sobbing my heart out as we slow danced in our hotel room.  I didn’t want it to end.  I had no idea that the next time I heard that song, it wouldn’t fill me with romance or sweet thoughts but it would stuff me full of anger and painful memories.  Sometimes I’d just be out driving somewhere and my playlist would be on shuffle and the song would come on.  Those first few notes of the acoustic guitar were enough to make me seethe and stab furiously at the skip button.

But yesterday as I stood in the queue being forced to hear it, I no longer felt resentful.  Of course, I instantly recognised it and realised its connection to me and someone who was once one of the most important people in my life.  But I felt nothing.  I just appreciated the song as I once did before I met my ex husband.  And it was the BEST feeling!  I knew at this point that I had finally made some progress in my recovery since our very turbulent breakup.  I’ve had a lot of days lately where I’ve felt like I seem to be going no where fast and that I’m treading water, especially in regards to him and the damage that he has caused.  This is a small victory but I’m grasping it with both hands and enjoying it, along with the song itself!  I am beginning to heal, at long last.

No doubt, you’ll want to know which song it was.  Here it is. Enjoy, as I know I now will!

With love, Darling Soul x

8 months ago.

I made this blog 8 months ago and I’m only just beginning to write in it.  Which makes me wonder, where was I 8 months ago?  Physically, I had been my new home for about a month.  Mentally, I was in a bad place.  I was becoming more and more anxious and struggling to deal with the day to day stuff in my new life.  So here we go.

This time two years ago, I was very happily married.  My husband was a soldier and we were preparing to move home 200 miles away.  I was pretty happy with my lot.  Then in May 2015, I found out that my husband was due to be posted to the USA for 7 months.  It was an unaccompanied posting, so I would have to wait at home for his return.  Little did I know that I when I kissed him goodbye for his flight to the States, that would be my last.

Modern technology made being apart easier.  He used to call me on FaceTime twice a day, although with a 6 hour time difference, it could be difficult.  One weekend, he hadn’t been in touch at all.  I had tried various methods of getting in contact to no avail.  I started to worry about him.  The thought of him with someone else never once entered my head, but I was thinking he had gotten drunk and hurt himself, or something equally stupid.  After three days of no contact (bearing in mind we would speak every day), I contacted one of the wives of another soldier who was out there with him to see if he had been in touch with her husband.  Her husband hadn’t seen him for the whole weekend.  Cue panic from me and his colleagues.  Eventually he turns up and can’t understand the fuss.  Of course, he then blames me.  Says that he is now the focus of ridicule from his colleagues and that he can’t believe I went that far to get in touch.  Was he forgetting that I was his wife?  It was at that point, he went cold on me.  Stopped phoning me so often and kept a distance in his messages.  I couldn’t work out what was going on, but just figured that we’d not seen each other for a few months and that this was normal stress for couples spending so long apart.  He was due to come home the following week for RnR, so I was sure that things would get better and I would have my husband back in no time.

The day he came back, he was a completely different person.  I had not seen him in over 3 months and he was only home for a week before he went away for another 4 months.  He should have been all over me like he usually was, but he couldn’t be further away from me.  It was like he couldn’t stand the sight of me.  I put it down to jet lag and continued to make more excuses for him.  The following day we would travel up north for his sister’s wedding, so I was sure that things were going to get better but even his family noticed his odd behaviour.  The next day in the hotel room, he said he was leaving me.  I was utterly distraught.  Why??  I couldn’t understand.  His reasons?  None that made any sense but here’s just a few:

  • He could no longer deal with my self-esteem issues.
  • He never wanted the cats that we adopted together.
  • He felt that we got married too quickly.  Nevermind that he proposed after 3 years together and we were married in our fourth year together.
  • He found my “lack of ambition” frustrating, which by the way, is something I don’t have…ask my friends and family!

So yeah, take your pick.  And with that, he was gone.  Spent the rest of RnR at his parents house before he flew back to the States and left me in a cruel suspense as he would drop me and then reel me back in when he suited him.  It was at this point where I deteriorated rapidly.  I lost a huge amount of weight.  It just dropped off me.  Some people eat when they are stressed and unhappy, I however am the total opposite.  I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t eating.  There were points where I would just lay there, festering.  Unwashed and still in my pajamas, staring at a wall for hours.  Luckily I have some wonderful friends who helped me to get out of that state.

Before I knew it, December was upon us.  He had been speaking to me when it suited him, giving me that little bit of false hope whenever he felt like it.  We had been speaking more at that time and he had begun using words like “us” and “we” and “future”.  On the 9th December (I remember the day like it was yesterday), he called me to say he was going to kill himself.  I spent hours talking to him and comforting him.  Then I received a Facebook message from someone I didn’t know.  It came through as a filtered request. I opened it and it said:

“Hey, you should check out my profile and see what’s been going on for the last few months.  Would love to talk, here’s my number.”

I felt sick.  I clicked.  I was faced with a profile picture of this woman who I shall refer to a “M” and MY HUSBAND, “P”, kissing.  I didn’t cry, or scream.  I just felt sick and numb to the core.  P came back onto Facetime and I greeted him with, “So who is this M person?  She seems nice.”  His face just dropped.  Facetime doesn’t hide people’s facial expressions. Suddenly his urge to take his own life became that much more substantial.  He had been caught out.  He was grasping at straws, anything he could!  He was begging me to stay with him.  Apparently, she was a pill popping alcoholic and a really awful person.  He wanted me.  But to her, he had said I had cheated on him (oh, the irony!) and that he never wanted to get married in the first place.  He was enjoying playing us off one another.

So the Army sent him home.  He was assessed and sent to a psychiatric hospital where he stayed for about a month.  Right over Christmas and New Year.  I visited him on numerous occasions.  He couldn’t look me in the eye but I forgave him, because if I didn’t, it would continue to eat away at my soul.  I didn’t blame M.  She had fallen in love with the same illusion that I had.  P was actually was a narcissist and a very dangerous individual.  Whilst he was in hospital, we talked about making things work and starting again.  Then two weeks later, he stated he wanted to be with M before coming back to me in the New Year and begging me not to leave our marital home.  Then he went back to the States for “closure”.  That is where I was finally able to say NO MORE and I ended our marriage.

January 26th was the start of my new life.  That was the day that I moved into my new home where I would live on my own for the first time in my life.  Thankfully not totally alone as I have two wonderful rescue cats.  And it has been one hell of a journey so far.  I am very proud of how far I have come and I still have such a long way to go.  I’ve really only just touched on the hell that was the breakdown of my marriage.  He is now discharged from the military and he lives with M.  M & P are now engaged and we are divorced, but I won’t give it long before he shows his true colours.

So what do I want this blog to be?  I’m not sure, really.  I think I’d like to share this new independant journey that I’m on.  I’d also like to share how thrifty I’ve had to become, along with my spiritual journey since starting a meditation and spiritual class in September last year.  I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this, but hey, got to be worth a shot!

If you’re here, thanks for reading.

With love, Darling Soul x